Thursday, July 3, 2014

Dear Boy...

Perhaps I can squeeze in ONE good letter before this baby is born!  When I was a lovestruck girl in college, I used to sit in the grass between classes and write letters to all the boys I was in love with, having absolutely no intention of ever giving them these letters.  I showed them to a close friend once, who told me I should publish them  and call my book, "Dear Boy."  Obviously I didn't do that, but now it's been a solid ten years or more and I get to write a different kind of Dear Boy letter.  A better kind! 

Dear Boy,

Are you ready for us?  Because we're ready for you!  You've been growing for almost nine months now, and although I haven't had the chance to sit down and tell you how I feel every month, I think now is a good time to tell you that I can't wait to see you.  From the moment I saw a positive sign on a pregnancy test, I was excited!  I remember walking upstairs one early November morning, before the girls were up, to find Daddy in the kitchen so I could tell him the good news.  He was sleepy and his hair was a mess (just the way I like it).  He was still wearing pajamas and glasses and he hadn't had any coffee yet.  I said, "Guess what?" and he said, "Are you pregnant?"  I smiled and said, "Yes!" and he gave me a slow, sleepy hug.  I smiled all day long.  Daddy kept texting me little notes and funny quips about babies and sisters and pregnancy.  He asked how I was feeling.  He sent a list of things we have to do or buy or prepare.  He had clearly been thinking about you for a long time.

At my 12 week check up, you gave us a little scare.  You were hiding down in my pelvis (because that's clearly the coziest spot in my body - you've never moved from there!) and the midwife couldn't find your heartbeat.  For 24 hours, I didn't know if you were alive or not.  I was heartbroken at the possibility that we may lose you.  I tried not to let myself go there, to let my mind wander down that path, but it was hard.  Daddy held my hand as we watched the ultrasound screen and saw a tiny, fluttering heartbeat.  I've never cried more joyous tears!  I could finally breathe again, and for the rest of my pregnancy, you've been as good as gold.

At 20 weeks we had another ultrasound to make sure all of your parts were in working order.  That was back in March and we were thrilled to learn that you are a BOY!  Please know that your boy-ness doesn't really matter one bit to us, we would have been happy either way, but it's nice to know that after two girls, we get to have a boy as well.  I think Daddy was secretly over the moon about it.  He has some toys stashed away that he's been saving for his son (although I have a feeling he'll be sharing them with Sylvia and Margot soon, just because he can't wait to play with them again)!

Now, we're three weeks away from your due date.  You are an acrobat, turning and twisting and kicking all the time!  Sylvia and Margot love to say your name and hug my belly and give you kisses.  They say things like, "Sleep tight, little baby!" or "I hope you're cozy in there!"  And you know what?  I can tell that you are cozy in there.  This is my favorite part of being pregnant.  These last few weeks, when I can tell that you are complete and finished and all you have left to do is add on a couple of pounds.  You are who you will be when we see you, and that means that at this very moment, you and I are as close as we will ever be. 

You will never be safer than you are right now.  In three weeks, I'll trade the honor of seeing your face for the responsibility of sharing you with the world.  It's a good deal, but it does make me the tiniest bit sad to know that it will never be just you and me again.  After you're born, I'll lie awake in bed and long to feel you moving in my belly.  I'll worry about your sleeping and your breathing and your nursing and your skin and hair and eyes.....but tonight I worry about none of those things.  Tonight I'm able to give you everything you need, just by being me.  Tonight I can sit on the couch and know that my body is taking the best care of you.  Never again will I be this confident that you are well and happy. 

I know that this world has lots of adventures and excitement in store for you.  I dream about the little brother you will be and the way your sisters will help raise you.  I dream about the school boy you will be and the way you'll treat your classmates.  I dream about the teenager you will be and how you and I will probably be like aliens to each other for a while.  And I dream about the man you will become.  With any luck, you'll turn out just like your Daddy and you'll learn how to be kind and brave, just like him. 

We love you so much already.  We can't wait to see you and hold you and help you grow.  We know that you have lots to teach us and we're ready to learn how to be parents to a little boy.  A third baby!  Another little wonder in the world.  Sleep well, little one.  We'll see you soon!

Love,
Mama

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