Seriously, what is it about rocking chairs that make one think such deep thoughts? I don't do nearly enough pictureless rambling on here anymore, so....
Margot's bedtime routine has become clockwork. Bath. Jammies. Allergy meds. Chew on a tooth brush. Sleep sack. Then we climb into our rocking chair and she snuggles her dou-dou bear while we read books. I turn out the light, stand next to her crib, and sing her a song. The same song every night. We sway back and forth until she dives into bed. Nine times out of ten, she dives in before I finish the first line and by the time I get to the door she has rolled over onto her belly, tucked her knees up underneath her, stuck her little butt up in the air and closed her eyes. Every once in a while she dives into bed, grabs her other dou-dou bear, sits up and cries for a while until she finally falls asleep. Either way, once the diving happens, my job is done.
It's been a long week with Sylvain working every night. I usually rush the bedtime routines but tonight was Friday night. No papers to grade or lessons to prepare, so we took our time to play and eat well and enjoy each other. By the time we were in the rocking chair, Margot was showing some serious signs of fatigue. We read a few books and since I was so tired, I decided to stay in the chair for our song. That's when Margot did something she hasn't done in many months. Usually she wants me to stand up and sing. To get a little closer to the bed. To move on to the next step, but tonight....
She snuggled her dou-dou bear and fell asleep on my shoulder.
I finished our song and then....I rocked. And for the first time in....I don't even know how long...there was no TV. No noisy three year old. No air conditioner humming. No refrigerator running. For the very first time in my entire life, I actually noticed SILENCE. Complete. Glorious. Refreshing. Full. I almost cried. It was amazing.
While I sat there in the beautiful silence of our sweet little house, I forced myself to pay attention to Margot's growing body. Sometimes she tries to nuzzle her entire upper body into the corner of my neck, which I consider to be the ultimate snuggle. Tonight her face was turned away and her breathing was slow and steady. She was relaxed. She was almost asleep. I had this moment where I realized.......
I'm her Mother.
I spend so much time thanking God for giving the girls to me. My kids. My daughters. My Margot. Tonight I closed my eyes and realized that she's not just mine, but I'm HERS. She calls me Mama. She sleeps on MY shoulder. She smiles and claps when she sees ME. She cries in the morning until I show up. I'm totally hers. I belong to her. She owns all of me, completely. And that just blows my mind.
What did I ever do to deserve her undivided love and favor? The ways in which she loves me are so pure and complete...they are nothing short of the best evidence of God's love. With all of my faults and all of my worries and all of my nonsense...she loves me. She wants me around. She feels safe enough to lay her head on my shoulder and sleep. I remember laying my head on my Mom's shoulder. I remember feeling safe. I know what it feels like to love your parents so much that the thought of being alone in the world without them is terrifying. I still feel it. It's a powerful love.
I thanked God for giving me my sweet, vibrant Margot. For letting me be the recipient of all that love. For choosing me to be her Mama. He could have given her to anybody, but he gave her to me. What a lucky, blessed woman I am.
I laid her in bed and closed the door. My heart was so full it hurt. I wandered into the kitchen to find Sylvia coloring a "prince crown" for her Daddy - one she had been working on for hours. She looked at me and said, "Daddy is really going to love this when he gets home!" And there it was again. That unconditional love from a teeny tiny kid. That flip flopped feeling that she's not just ours, but we are HERS. She wants to make him happy. She wants to produce something FOR him, something he'll be proud of. What a miracle!
Two tiny girls.
Two unworthy grown ups.
Earth shattering love.