Excuse Me While My Belly and I Step Onto this Giant Soapbox

Here it is. Every expectant mother's guide. The bible of all baby books. The one that I saw my stepmother reading when I was ten years old and the one I couldn't wait to buy when it was time for me to prep for a little one. The giant, massive, black-and-white-sketch-filled, insert-laden reference tool that screams at you when you walk by it at the book store. What to Expect When You're Expecting....and I hate it.

Okay, I don't hate it. In fact, I use it ALL THE TIME. I bought it at the beginning of the summer and couldn't wait to read it cover to cover. I read the first couple chapters with such gusto! I left it by my bedside and couldn't wait to get back to it every night. Then...I got frustrated. I couldn't figure out why this book started to bother me. I thought maybe it was just too big, and maybe it just had too much information. Then, one evening while I was sitting on the couch browsing through the What to Expect website, it dawned on me. It's not the information...I LOVE information! It's something much more subtle:

I hate the way this woman writes!

For those of you that have read it and those of you that have it at home, maybe you've noticed. If you haven't, I guarantee, you will now. Open it up to a random page and read about three paragraphs. Did you find it? That part where she's trying to be really funny? Where she's trying to be your best friend? Where she uses all those quips and puns and idioms and side notes in parenthesis (aren't they great)? Here are a few examples:

"Varicose veins run in families - and they definitely sound like they have legs in yours."

"Are you passing gas like a college frat boy (make that more than a college frat boy)? Sorry, guys, but nobody does gas like a pregnant woman."

"It's the best of times; it's the worst of times. And it's how an estimated 60 to 80 percent of new moms feel after childbirth. So-called baby blues appear (approximately) out of the blue..."

Give me a break! Just cut to the nitty-gritty information, already! I don't need jokes and parenthesis to make me feel better, I need to know why I'm farting all the time and I need to know NOW!

I will say this: it has been able to answer EVERY question we've had about pregnancy and babies so far. Even though it's not a good cover-to-cover read, it really comes in handy when I'm trying to remember what kind of fish and seafood to stay away from, or when I should worry about cramps, or what to do when someone creepy touches my tummy - which hasn't happened yet, but it's one of my biggest fears. Even though she writes like a maniac, the woman has thought of everything...or I guess her publishers have thought of everything, but that's fine with me.

At first, I felt so guilty when I stopped reading it at night. I wondered if I was going to be a good mother because EVERY mother reads this book! Now, I don't feel so bad. Now, when Sylvain has a question, all I have to do is say "Get the book!" And he knows exactly where to find it...

In the bathroom. Where all good reference books belong.

I had some posting issues with this one...sorry to those of you who had three emails about the same post. I think it's fixed now.