So much to write about and so little time!  Tonight's post is very loosey goosey, so bear with me.

It's been a long, rough week at our house.  Work was busy, which meant I brought a lot of it home.  Usually I'm pretty good at balancing it all out, but this week I was a little "work heavy" and things really suffered on the home front.  I'm glad it's the weekend and I can recalibrate myself and my kids so we feel normal again.  None of us were very nice to each other from Wednesday evening until bedtime tonight!  But now we're back to okay.

Tomorrow is March 1st and that brings a whole list of things to do.  After such a wonderful Advent season, I'm really hoping to do some special Lenten activities to and with and for the girls.  I've always loved the idea of using Lent as a time to give something up.  To simplify.  To focus.  To feel a little pain in order to understand a much greater pain.  This week, when I stepped back to think about what I might give up, the answer was easy and clear and a little bit painful to think about - Facebook.  I need to detox from that awesome and terrible soul sucking form of media.  I have a million reasons why I shouldn't or couldn't, which is exactly why I need to.  I need to give up that time and use it to focus on my family and myself, especially my pregnancy.

Second on my to-do list is get ready for this trip to France.  I've read four thousand articles and blog posts on how to fly with kids, how to travel with kids, how to climb mountains and sail the seven seas with kids, and they all sound the same.  They all have great advice (Benadryl for airplanes, snacks, toys, screens, etc.) but after all is said and done I learned one thing that I already knew in the first place: the only way we're going to have any fun at all on this trip is if I CALM THE HECK DOWN and try not to expect too much from myself or my kids.  My imagination tends to run away with me, Clark Griswold style, and I end up with fantasies of touring the Louvre with my perfectly behaved and remarkably adorable and polite children holding my hands while they critique the art.  It's just not going to happen!  We're going to have a ton of fun, but it's all going to be on their terms, not mine.  I have a feeling that once we are IN THE AIR, I'll feel better.  We can't get kicked off a plane once it takes off, right?  Just get in the air, and all will be well!

After I reign in my fantasies and give myself a reality check, I can start to think about the reasonable things we might be able to do IF the girls are up for it and all of us are in a fairly good mood.  The alternative to these activities would be sleeping anywhere we want to sleep whenever we want to sleep.  If my kids spend the entire trip on my in-laws' couch watching French cartoons....I'm good with that!  But if they're interested in venturing outdoors for any part of our trip, I'd love to do the following:
1.  See castles.  Lots of them.  Sylvain's dad lives in the region of France that is KNOWN for its castles!  Sylvia will be in heaven.
2. Buy clothes, particularly a couple of adorable French Easter dresses.  I'd love to take the girls out shopping with my mother-in-law or Sylvain's cousin.
3. Lay our eyes on the Eiffel Tower.  Maybe even go inside.  Or just lay on the lawn and stare at it until I cry.  Take lots of pictures.
4. Have the girls' pictures drawn on Montmartre.  I know, #3 and #4 are totally tourist cliche's, but it would be so neat to expose them to it while they're tiny.
5. Eat pain au chocolat and/or crepes for EVERY MEAL EVERY DAY.  I'd love to take the girls to local patisseries to buy treats and goodies.
6. Visit the Gien plate place.  I forget what it's called, but they have famous and expensive plates that they sell all over the world, and in Gien, you can go to the plate factory/shop and buy the discontinued sets or sets that are slightly irregular for CRAZY CHEAP!  It's like the Gap Outlet for plates.  I love it.  I should probably go here alone, though, because Margot would literally be like a bull in a china shop.
7.  Find a playground.  This should really be #1.  I'd love for the girls to PLAY and make friends.
8.  Buy something for the baby.  I don't know what yet, maybe something for the nursery or some keepsake.  I feel like we're cheating by going to France before this one is born!  It's like the kid will BE there but.....not really.  Fetuses probably don't care if they're in France or Kentucky.

Anyway, those are the things I'm looking forward to and writing about them has made me feel much better and more prepared or organized in a crazy way.  Of course, the biggest priority of this trip is for the girls to spend as much time with our family as possible.  I hope they get to read books with Papie and Mamie Nelly.  I hope they get to help plant seeds in Sylvain's grandparents' garden.  I hope they want to sit on laps and sing songs and play games and talk talk talk talk talk!  Even though I've been stressed and worried about the traveling, and even though I have no idea exactly how we'll be spending our time, I already know one thing: leaving will not be easy.  We're not even there yet and I already don't want to leave!  It's going to be a great trip, no doubt about it!

Cue the Anxiety! And the Excitement.

The Fasciottos are going to FRANCE!!!  I won't tell you when, but I will say it's sooner than we ever expected and, in the words of the great Liz Lemon, "Things are HAPPENINNNGGG!!"

I'm scared about flying with two kids, one of which will be in our lap (kill me now).  It's only eight hours of our life, right?  What could possibly go wrong?!

I'm worried about the jet lag and the way it will turn our extremely routine nap/sleep schedule upside down and inside out.  I'm also worried that I'll have to sleep in the same room as my kids, or possibly even the same bed (kill me now).  Side note: I was searching for a product online that DOES NOT EXIST and I'd be a millionaire if I could make it.  I need a roll-up, portable "bed" for a toddler, something like a thick sheet and when you lay it out, it has tall sides (about the size of a bumper on a crib) to keep the kid from rolling all over the room.  Margot is big enough that I don't have to worry about SIDS, but she's not big enough to sleep on the floor unrestrained!  There are a million baby bassinets (too small) or portable cribs (too big).  Where is this mystical roll-up sheet bed?!  I need one!!

I'm worried we won't get the girls' passports in time, mostly because I never got around to ordering Margot's birth certificate.  Epic Parent FAIL!  We need to hustle on this one or the whole trip is a bust.  Update: I wrote this post on Sunday and we applied for passports this morning (Tuesday)!  They should be here in 4-6 weeks.  BOOM!  Already feeling accomplished!

Last night while I was NOT sleeping, I found one, remarkable, obvious, and glaring saving grace.  A trip to France will be worrisome and crazy and we're all going to get cranky now and then, but....

we're going to be with our family.

Real people who live in real houses.  People who love us and love our babies!  People who HAVE babies and people who had babies a long time ago and remember what it's like to sleep in a house with babies.  Oh, sweet Jesus, we're going to see OUR PEOPLE!  And they want us there.  They will hug us and help us and smile patiently through the meltdowns.  I cannot WAIT to see Sylvain's parents and grandparents.  I especially can't wait to see his cousin who has a 2 year old girl and one on the way!

And....I will write a whole other post on how thrilling it will be to introduce the girls to France.  Sylvia in Paris.  Oh, what a dream come true!  We are so blessed. 

Now, please excuse me while I breathe into a paper bag and pray the rosary 4,000 times. 

Frozen

Tonight, I watched Sylvia run around the living room with our giant, soft blue fleece blanket tied around her neck.  She didn't know I was watching, and I heard her sing, "Let it goooooo, let it goooo....." then she untied the blanket, flailed it behind her, twirled around dramatically, then stopped: "The cold never bothered me anyway."

Last night, she was pretending to scrub the playroom floor while she sang, "No one cares for YOU a smidge, when you're in an OR-phanage....it's a hard knock life!"

Last week, on movie night, we were snuggled up watching The Wizard of Oz (for the four hundredth time) and she asked me to pause the movie so she could put on her Dorothy dress.  Then she asked me to braid her hair (we compromised on low pig tails), she gathered her Toto dog and her basket, then she proceeded to act out the entire movie and recite almost every line EXACTLY like Judy Garland does, matching her every intonation and mimicking every tiny movement of her body.

I remember that.

I remember trying on all of those characters that I loved so much.  I remember rewinding The Little Mermaid so I could memorize the words.  I remember practicing my best Belle voice and I absolutely remember working SO HARD to sing exactly the way Judy Garland does.

Watching Sylvia step into this phase of her childhood is simply magical for me.  It's not about princesses anymore.  It's about stories and characters and trying on all of the identities they bring to us.  It's about acting and singing and pretending. It's about listening to a story and thinking carefully about it.  (So I guess it's really about reading and writing.)  We will always have the classics like Annie and The Wizard of Oz.  Those are the ones that she and I share.  But Frozen will be her Little Mermaid.  It will be the first new movie that her tiny generation can own and memorize and pretend to be.  And I am SOOO okay with that!

For the record, I still have my issues with the movie, but I don't worry about my girls getting the "wrong message" anymore because now I know that I'M THE ONE who gives them the message.  I'm the one who answers their questions and I'm the one who gets to filter and guide the conversations.  Someday we'll talk about why all these darn princesses are so sickeningly skinny, but for now, thanks to Disney, we get to talk about the things she understands: like why you should never give up on your sister, no matter what.  And why you should use your talents to make people happy.  And why Olaf would melt in the summer (helloooo science)!  This movie will give us enough to talk about until my girls are grown and gone.  I suppose that's why it's so successful.

I will treasure these days during The Little Years when I can quietly catch Sylvia in the middle of her pretend world.  I will treasure the way we sing and dance in the kitchen to our favorite show tunes.  The way I can still scoop up both of my girls in my arms and twirl and twirl and twirl while I soak up the twinkle in their eyes and the space in their smiles and the pureness in their laughter that represents nothing but absolute happiness.  These special moments are the ones where I see them as they really are: tiny, happy and safe, able to reach out and pretend to be anyone they want.  They'll be trying on various identities for the rest of their lives, and some will be more savory than others, I'm sure.  But no matter who they are pretending to be, they will always be mine.  And if I could freeze them right now I would.

7th Anniversary Trip

It's been a crazy month of snow days, testing, and growing a baby, so I just now figured out how to get these pictures off of my phone and onto the blog!  Our anniversary trip was the weekend after Christmas and I could kick myself for not doing this sooner because I already made our yearly family photo album and there are no pictures of our awesome Gatlinburg adventure!  Oh well, at least I'll have it here, right?

I booked our trip to the Westgate Smokey Mountain Resort back in July.  I got a crazy good deal on a website called Deal Chicken, but you never know what you're getting with that online coupon business, so I was skeptical.  We left on a Friday morning and stopped a billion times on the way down.  Neither child slept and we were all about to lose our minds by the time we got there, but once we were in our room, all was well!  The place was really nice, and I'm glad we opted to upgrade to a suite so the girls could sleep in a separate room away from us.  We also had a full kitchen, which was great for our milk and juice and toast and all the tiny things you take for granted when you're at home.

We were going to spend our first day wandering around Gatlinburg, but as we drove through we realized that you can't really pop in and out of a bunch of shops with two little ones, and it was cold out (although it was warmer than it had been all week, so the streets were packed)!  We opted to drive around the scenic part of town (the mountains) and then go out for dinner.  We were back early, which was perfect because the girls' favorite part of the whole trip was the hotel room.

They spent 30 minutes in the jacuzzi tub and I was scared to death the whole time because it had to be super deep for the jets to work.  I pretty much held Margot's hand for the whole bath, but they had a blast!  Little did they know we'd be going to a water park in the morning!  We could have spent all weekend in the bathroom.

Sylvia slept on the pull out couch, which she called her "magic bed" because it magically appeared out of the couch!  We don't have Disney Jr. at home, so we snuggled and watched Sophia until bedtime.  They were in heaven!  I can't believe how easy it is to rock their world at this age!

On Saturday we had breakfast in bed (which we brought from home) and headed to the water park in our resort.  I wasn't sure what to expect, but OH. MY. GOODNESS!  It was awesome.  We all loved it and we spent the entire day there.  I mostly stayed with Margot in the toddler area while Sylvain and Sylvia wandered all over the place.  We did the lazy river once as a family, but Margot did not love it like Sylvia did, so we took turns after that!

It was really weird to walk into the place in our winter gear and change into bathing suits!

Oh, the giggles!

She ventured into the "big girl" area and did surprisingly well!  The only thing she couldn't do were the slides, unless Daddy was at the bottom.

Baby slides.

 

We splurged for lunch at the water park since we didn't spend any money on breakfast, then we went back to the room for naps and dinner.  Instead of going out for dinner, we decided to order from the restaurant at the resort, pick it up and eat in our room.  The girls were able to rest, Daddy was able to watch the UK game, then it was BACK TO THE WATERPARK for more evening fun.  We definitely made the most of it.  Sylvia keeps asking when we're going back, so we might need to plan another trip next year. 

On Sunday morning, we checked out of the resort and went to the Ripley's Believe It or Not Aquarium.  It was another hit with the girls, and we were the very first ones there because we wake up at the crack of dawn!  It was pouring down rain on Sunday, so it was the perfect place to go before eating lunch and heading home.

They had all these tanks that kids could crawl under, then pop right up in the middle!  Sylvia LOVED them!

She's in here with the penguins but you can't see her because those tall, awful, glass hogging brats are standing on the hump that's supposed to be for LITTLE PEOPLE. 

Gazing in amazement.

She begged to put on the penguin costume and I couldn't say no.  But I may have paced around in circles muttering "Please don't have lice, please don't have lice..."  It didn't have lice.  Phew!

Giant Christmas tree in front of the aquarium.  The last good holiday photo of the two BIG sisters!

As we were leaving the aquarium, the place was starting to fill up with people who wake up at normal times and do what normal people do.  We were glad to leave, especially after Sylvia tried to sit on a wrapped "present" under a fake Christmas tree and broke through the empty cardboard box. her body folded in half, butt down in the bottom, hands and feet in the air, and all four of us were cracking up laughing at the funniest thing we've ever seen!  I know she thought she was in trouble, but we didn't care one bit because we were LEAVING!  And folks should know better than to wrap empty boxes and expect kids NOT to sit on them.  Sheesh.

After an excellent lunch at the Smokey Mountain Brewery, we headed home.  On our way out of town, we stopped in the mountains to take this little family photo:

The girls slept almost the entire drive (hallelujah) and when we pulled into the driveway, Sylvia said, "Mommy, I missed my house.  And my cat."  We were only gone for two nights, but it was enough!  It's always good to come home after an exciting trip like this one.  I was so glad we decided to bring the girls with us to celebrate our 7th Anniversary.  I mean seriously, where would the be without us, right?  Seven years.  From nothing to a family in 7 years.  What a lucky lady am I!

This One's Gonna Be a Trouble Maker

Yesterday I went in for my 12 week check up with the midwife at 4:00.  I've been living in a fog since then and I need to get this story out.  After we discussed all the basics and chit chatted for a long time, I climbed up on the table so she could listen to the heartbeat.  Another midwife had found it at 9 weeks.  This one did not.  She tried for a long time and made a lot of comments about how the baby must be "hiding" and how the baby was being a "little stinker."  Then she told me to take a few minutes to rest and "talk that baby into coming to the front" while she went to check on another patient.  My heart began to race and I started to sweat while I was staring at the florescent lights and praying a prayer I didn't even know how to pray.  All I could think was, "Dear God, please......" and I didn't know what to ask for or how to ask for it, so I just opened my heart and prayed for peace.  That usually works best anyway.

She came back in and tried again.  Still no heartbeat.  I had heard of this happening.  In fact, this has happened to almost everyone I know.  This is how all their stories start, "The doctor couldn't find a heartbeat."  The midwife cleaned up and explained that my uterus is probably tilted toward the back, down inside my pelvic bone.  She said it's very common at this stage and it makes it hard to find a heartbeat.  I was feeling okay about it, but then she said, "We'll have to order an ultrasound.  I know they've left the office for the day, so you'll have to go in tomorrow."  At that point I was still just in disbelief.  Reality didn't hit me until she said, "Will you be able to sleep tonight?"  That's when I became flat out scared and nervous.  No heartbeat.  That's bad.

We scheduled the ultrasound for 3:00 today.  I drove home, numb, but when I turned onto our street I started crying.  The word "miscarriage" was ringing in my head and I was telling myself all the things you're supposed to tell yourself when this happens.  It's not the right time.  It's not meant to be.  You have two beautiful girls.  It happens so often.  It's going to be okay.  But as I pulled in the driveway I wanted to yell and scream that, "No!  It's NOT okay!  This sucks and I don't want any part of it!" 

I explained things very quickly to Sylvain and tried to pull myself together for the girls.  At the dinner table, Sylvia said, "Mommy, why does your face look like that?"  I told her that something sad happened to me today, but I'm better now and I'll be alright.  She seemed fine with that answer and was actually very gentle and sweet for the rest of the night.  Sylvain had to go to work, so I let the girls watch a movie while I just laid on the couch and shivered under a blanket.  All I wanted to do was put the girls to bed so I could get online and start finding out more information. 

I did exactly that after bedtime and I found only a few stories of women who went in for an ultrasound to "check for viability" (which is what my midwife said to the scheduling nurse) and left with good news.  Most of the message boards and blog posts I read turned out differently.  They ended with bad news.  I forced myself to read the good ones and I went to bed, weary and exhausted and clinging to those good stories for hope. 

Sylvain came home and we talked for a while.  We never let ourselves talk about what "could" happen or what "might" happen.  We only discussed our plans for the day up until the appointment at 3:00.  I don't think either one of us wanted to think past that moment until we absolutely had to. 

I sat through a second day of a math workshop today, watching the minutes tick by and praying that it would be 3:00 already because I just needed to know SOMETHING.  Waiting is the worst.  I had prepared my heart as best I could for this journey to go in one of two directions.  I had two blog posts drafted in my head.  I had two sets of text messages ready to be sent.  One was filled with grief and sadness, the other was filled with relief and joy.  All I needed was some information from a technician.  At 3:00.

I left my workshop early and met Sylvain and Mom at home.  She stayed with the girls so we could both go to the ultrasound.  We arrived early and sat in the waiting room.  Tapping our toes and twiddling our thumbs and talking about everything except the baby.  We were called back to the little room and the tech, Donna-Michelle, was young and pretty and smart and friendly and she put me at ease immediately.  I asked her if a doctor was available to talk to us in the case that something was wrong and she didn't even let me finish that thought.  She cut me off and said, "Wait now!  Let's just see what we've got here."

Donna-Michelle explained that 9 times out of 10, the uterus is tilted back and it's hard to get a reading with a doppler.  She tried the ultrasound on the belly but nothing showed up on the screen.  Every muscle in my body tensed up until she said, "Yup, your uterus is tilted back, which is not unusual.  It'll straighten as it grows, it has nowhere else to go.  I think I can see something moving around in there, but I'll have to do a vaginal ultrasound to be sure."  Okay!  A glimmer of hope.  Could it really be possible??  That "9 times out of 10" comment really made my heart soar, so I was getting extremely hopeful.

She started the second ultrasound and suddenly.....there it was!  A white baby on a black screen with a tiny, fluttering heart.  She pointed at it with the little arrow and said, "There's the heart."  Like a dummy, I asked, "Is it beating?  Is it okay?"  And she flipped a switch so we could hear it. 

It was so glorious.  The sweetest sound I ever heard.  I sobbed and since I was already clinging as tightly as I could to Sylvain's hand, I just started shaking his hand back and forth and he was laughing.  Our sweet baby.  Alive and well.

Donna-Michelle took some measurements and told me our due date is right on track - July 27th!  She printed out the photos and explained that the midwives will have a report ready in a few days.  She handed the photos to me, smiled and said, "Congratulations!"  And I wanted to hug her.  I wanted to pick her up and swing her around and buy her a princess crown.  She's my new favorite person.  I love her.

So that's where our scary story ends!  It's the story filled with joy and relief and I'm still quite in shock over the whole thing.  I can't stop staring at pictures of this "little stinker" floating around in my floppy, tilted back uterus, the poor little thing.  You can hide, little baby, but we see you!  I think he or she will need to read this story when he or she grows up, and I hope that our story helps to ease more mamas' minds if they're waiting for that ultrasound to "check for viability" at 12 weeks.  And for all of my friends who didn't get the joyous ending to their story, my heart goes out to you, now and always.  There is nothing anyone could say to make it less painful.  The phenomenon makes no sense to me and I will always hold those mamas in my heart. 

Now it's time for me to go to bed.  With my healthy, tiny baby wrapped up safely inside.  Given how exhausting this 24 hour journey has been, I can't wait to sleep soundly tonight!

Catching Up on Christmas Eve

Sorry my posts have been so out of whack lately!  Now that this video is done uploading I can finally post it.  Honestly, it's not the greatest video because I was holding a camera and a baby and trying to zoom in and out....not my finest work.  SO, if you just want to see the cutest lamb to ever grace the stable, just watch the first 20 seconds.  I actually had to fumble around to find my Mom's camera before Sylvia made her entrance, because my camera's SD card was reading "error" and I was in a panic!  All you need to know is that the narrators are introducing each set of animals, while another narrator "speaks" for the animals, and the animals are supposed to gather around Mary and Joseph and baby Jesus and stand still and look cute.  HA! 

Right before the video starts, the narrator says, "The sheep welcomed the baby and sang it's gentle song." Or something like that.  Then another narrator said the "baa baa" part and Sylvia runs in and stares at the WRONG manger scene.  It's not her fault.  She's been obsessed with our church's nativity since it was put up and her spot in the skit was RIGHT NEXT TO IT!  I could tell she didn't give a hoot about the play and just wanted to know...WHERE IN THE WORLD IS THAT BABY JESUS STATUE?

Anyway,  here it is, in all of its shaky glory!

P.S.  Margot thought Mom's camera was an iPhone.  I should have just handed her my phone to keep her quiet, but instead I let her squeal through the skit.  Sorry if her crying burst your eardrums. 

Our Big Holiday News!

November 19th, 6:00 am.  I stared at a positive pregnancy test and swelled with pride!  I ran upstairs to tell Sylvain, who was already awake and putzing in the kitchen, getting ready for the day.  He was thrilled.  There were hugs and smiles and an awkward silence that holds the thought, "What were we thinking?" that neither of us wanted to say out loud.  It's okay.  We've had the same thoughts before.  It doesn't matter how much you've planned or how long you've waited (which, thankfully, wasn't long for us), those first few hours after a positive pregnancy test are full of awe and doubt mixed together.

We said goodbye to each other that morning and we carried around out little secret for weeks.  Well, not really.  I had to send a text to my best friend because she had asked me if I was pregnant the night before and I told her I didn't know yet.  I also had to tell my Mom earlier than planned because she gave my girls a bath that night and I thought she saw the pregnancy test sitting on the bathroom counter.  I thought she didn't say anything just to be nice.  It was killing me, so I had to find out if she knew, and when I saw her the next week, I asked her, "So.....did you already know I was pregnant?"  Judging by the way her jaw hit the floor and the excited expletives that escaped her mouth, I'd say she genuinely did NOT know.  Oh well!  If anyone should know early, it should be my Mom.

On Thanksgiving, I sipped the same glass of wine for hours just to look normal and avoid questions.  Nothing gives away a pregnant lady like turning down a drink!  A couple weeks later, I told my Dad and Stepmom, and I still think my Dad's reactions to big news are my favorite.  He nearly fell out of the chair in which he was SLEEPING when I told him!  I also told a few close coworkers that week, so things were starting to feel more "real."

On December 23rd, I had my first prenatal appointment with a NEW group of midwives and I heard a healthy heartbeat.  It was the first time I heard a heartbeat by myself, without Sylvain, but there was nothing I could do.  It was still glorious and amazing and shocking and real.  The midwife smiled at me and cooed, "Merry Christmas, Rachael!"  I cried a little.  I was so relieved!

I rushed home so we could tell Sylvia the happy news.  Sylvain sat down with her and Margot on the couch.  There was no giant, "Really?!" or "Hooray!!!"  He explained that there's going to be a baby in the third bedroom upstairs because Mommy has a baby in her belly, and Sylvia calmly looked at him and said, "I hope it's a baby brother."  And that was it!  Since then she has flip flopped countless times on what she hopes for, but she loves to pat my belly and talk to my belly and snuggle with my belly to "keep the baby warm."  Margot is totally clueless, but she'll figure it out.


As far as the pregnancy goes, I've felt absolutely fine, just like I did with the others.  Margot gave me a little more nausea than Sylvia or this one, but it wasn't anything to get upset about.  I thought I was having terrible morning sickness around week six, but it turned out to just be a stomach bug that ended up hitting everyone in my house!  Once we were all done puking, I felt completely normal, which was a huge relief, because I didn't know if I could handle that kind of sickness for weeks on end!

We are so incredibly excited to welcome baby #3 in July!  The idea of a four year old, a two year old and a newborn scares me to death, but I'm so excited to see my girls grow as big sisters.  Given the way Sylvia and Margot have become fast friends, I think this third child is going to have plenty of love and attention from both of them.  I've taken to calling Margot my "little middle."  I used to wonder if we should really make her a middle child or not, but recently I've decided that Margot will be FINE.  The girl can hold her own!  She knows what she wants, she knows how to get it, and she doesn't take any crap from anybody, so I think she's going to make a great big sister.

I'll get around to writing about my new year's resolutions on another day, but for now I'll say that I hope 2014 is as amazing as 2012 and 2010 were, and all the years in between.  It's "The Year of The Baby!" and I couldn't be more pleased!